There’s nothing quite as satisfying as a good, brutal comeback. Whether you’re the one dishing it out or just a fortunate bystander, the best ones tend to stick with you. Honestly, even if you’re on the receiving end, sometimes you just have to respect the game.
But the snappiest comebacks tend to happen offline, in the heat of the moment, and aren’t preserved by Twitter archives or TikToks, so Redditors decided to dedicate a thread to remember the best of them.
And some just might be worth filing away in case you find yourself in a situation that calls for quick, clever thinking in the future. Imitation is the best form of flattery, right?
A friend described his lower-than-average-IQ girlfriend as being street smart. My bf asked “what does that mean? She doesn’t walk into parked cars?”Unsubstantiatedfear
My mom screaming at my brother that he’s a son of a bitch, and him calmly saying back to her “yeah, I am.”RoshiRosh
A kid in high school kept telling other kids that he f—ked their mom, one kid replied “yeah, she told me about that, worst sex she ever had.”Somedudethatisbored
Someone yelled out in a Walmart, “I’m not ashamed of who I am.” Another voice echoed back, “that’s your parents’ job.”ryanshaw345dfgew
“Gay men make me puke.”
“Stop deep throating them then.”Brainonastick
Random guy: “Kiss my ass!”
My mom: “If it looks anything like your face, forget it!”Charlie_Olliver
My brothers were fighting and one said the other had a thick skull, he responded by saying “that’s because I actually have something worth protecting.”that_sweet_old_lady
At the Scottish games, dude asked a performer in a kilt “what do you wear under that skirt?” The guy did not skip a beat and said “your mother’s lipstick.” I fu-king laughed and so did the guys’ buddies. He was so shook.RHMS21
My best friend was a delivery nurse and she says so so many husbands ask the doctor jokingly for the stitch up to “make it tighter”, so one of them always responds: Of course! Just how small is your dick??Flahdagal
A guy told a female coworker she was so ugly that the only thing she could turn on was a hose. Without missing a beat, she replied that at least when she turned something on it got wet. The guy was speechless, and I laughed till I had tears.Muppet_Cartel
I asked my mum out of curiosity what she would do if she found a used condom in my brother’s room. Her response: “I would remind him that you can’t get HIV from your own hand.” For context, I live in South Africa where HIV is very common.KentuckyFriedSoy
I had a co-worker who was a bit of a bully. He was an alumnus of William and Mary and wouldn’t shut up about it…His daughter got into UVA, and I congratulated him because “it’s every parent’s dream that their kid does just a little bit better than they did.”joelluber
Was standing behind these two older adults and this teen girl at the gas station last year. She was on her phone and the guy snapped at her for “not knowing how to live without technology” and without looking up she went “don’t you have a pacemaker?”SilverLullabies
We were having a debate about something during history class in high school. Kid who had a reputation for being a jerk told this girl who had a reputation for sleeping around to shut her mouth. She retorted, “At least people like when I open my mouth!” Entire class lost their sh—t including the teacher.mb4828
My dad and I were at a farming expo. I have a bunch of chickens. This presenter, a chicken-owning expert, is droning on about how stupid chickens are, and I’m getting annoyed…My dad, without missing a beat, after this woman says they’re dumb for the fourth time: “I think chickens take on the personalities of their owners.”thiswomanneedsafish
One member of my [railroad signal] crew was this huge angry Viking of a man. Think 6’5″, 400lbs. He shouted “Yeah! I’m going to go home and surprise my girlfriend with a big dick!” With absolute horror, I heard my own voice say “That would be a surprise, since you left home this morning with a little one.” Fortunately, he thought it was hilarious because he was between me and the door.BanditSixActual
Boss had just fired an insufferable a—hole who was disliked by basically everyone despite his fantastic work ethic on a Friday. The following Monday he comes in to give a little pep talk to the department about how he’ll hire a replacement asap. At one point he drops something like ” and that Jim guy is such an asshole I almost feel sorry for him. Who would ever hire a guy like that”. Without hesitation, the new kid who was working there maybe a week at the time drops “well, you did.”Taanistat