Parents, it can be hard to realize that your kids have grown up, but a good rule of thumb is when the rules you set for them as legal adults are keeping them from visiting you, there’s a problem. A mother posting on r/AmIthe A–hole seems to be missing that point entirely and driving her only daughter away with some archaic ideas about sex and relationships.
She wrote her story under the handle u/upsetmother12 with the title, “AITA for not allowing my daughter to sleep in the same bed as her boyfriend?”
She says the last time her daughter and her boyfriend came to visit, she asked the boyfriend to stay in the guest room because they’re not married and her husband “believes it’s inappropriate to share a bed before marriage.”
At the time, the couple, who are 26 and 25 by the way, complied, but recently mom has realized they haven’t been visiting as much because of this rule. Also, they LIVE TOGETHER, so it makes sense that they’d rather stay home and snuggle in their own bed. But mom isn’t happy that they don’t want to stay with her because of the Rule:
I think this is ridiculous. After all, it’s our house and our rules. My daughter agreed, but then said she’d still prefer to sleep with her boyfriend and thinks our rule is what’s actually ridiculous. She then tried to tell us that they still respect our rule. I pointed out that she was clearly lying about that, since she was withholding her very presence from her own family.
I said she was punishing us for having a very reasonable rule, and that she obviously doesn’t truly respect “our house, our rules”. She changed the subject then. At the end of their trip I asked when the next we’ll see them again, and was told “maybe the 4th of July, unless [they] make plans with [boyfriend’s] family first”.
When I pointed out she was still trying to punish us (who waits three months in between visits to their parents?), she just left.
My husband feels that I’m right and our daughter is being unspeakably rude, but my son thinks we’re in the wrong and it’s “not a big deal”.
The OP was ruled as the A-hole, because her daughter is respecting her rule. When she comes to visit, she doesn’t sleep next to her boyfriend. That doesn’t mean she has to come visit a whole lot and make them both uncomfortable.
Quite a few people shared that they had parents with similar rules, and it definitely drove a wedge in the relationship to keep being treated as a child. And quite a few pointed out that the mom’s expectations for visits are high, even under the best of circumstances:
Parents, you have a right to have rules under your roof, and kids have a right now to stay under your roof. Especially when they’re actually adults.