Alison Sullivan
Please, if you love stuff in your butt, read this post. I know being horny makes people stupider than drugs and alcohol combined, but that’s no excuse for forgetting these two words: Flared. Base.
If there isn’t something bigger than your stretchy butthole at one end of the thing you’re inserting in your colon, do not insert it! The body does not easily and naturally push out foreign objects that are less flexible than poo. You can save yourself a lot of pain, embarrassment, and money by avoiding getting anything stuck up there.
And people do get stuff stuck up there. On r/AskReddit, a question posted by u/ptrchaos made that horrifically clear: “People who went to the hospital for having something stuck up your butt, what is your story?” they asked.
Unsurprisingly, most of the answers are not from people who have gone through this. they’re mostly from the doctors and nurses who have witnessed someone go through it and also lie about how it happened.
“I fell on it.”
No, you didn’t. There are a couple of brave souls who answered that admitted it happened to them, admitted they did it to themselves, and admitted they needed help before ending up with a colostomy bag. Once again: Flared. Base.
1.
I worked in the ER for ten years and I have a lot of these, but my favorite was a rolled-up newspaper with staples in it wrapped in duct tape.
The staples ended up shredding his colon and he needed emergency surgery, but when the doc asked him what happened he just sheepishly said he really likes the news. —TroglodytesAnonymous
2.
I used to work for a doctor’s office for multiple general surgeons who were on call for our local hospital. Every month I scanned at least 3 to 4 hospital notes into the system about people having things stuck in their anus/colon. My favorite story was from the guy that claims he was cleaning his house while naked and accidentally sat on the handle of the Swiffer he was using.
Other noteworthy items:
A hard-boiled egg
An entire beer bottle
A bottle of vitamins
Multiple instances of sharpies/markers
A flathead screwdriver (this one became a serious issue as it traveled really far and perforated the patient’s colon)
A very large deli pickle —Saxamaphooone
3.
My sister is an OR nurse in a local hospital. A few years ago, a guy came into the ER in the very early morning hours on the weekend with a medium-sized eggplant stuck up his ass that he couldn’t get out. They had to take him in for emergency surgery to remove it.
The crazy thing is, he drove almost two hours away from where lived so he wouldn’t be seen by someone he knew. —thatbcbastard77
4.
My wife is an RN and has an opposite story to this. Dude walks in with a perfume bottle up his ass he can’t get out. But this isn’t the first time. He knows the procedure and asks to first attempt removal prior to surgery and declines any anesthesia because he ain’t paying for that.
Doctor explains he’s going to try and just pull it out with some sorta tools but he needs to just relax or it’s not going to work.
Guy goes full monk asks to give him a few minutes to get in the mental space for it. Wife says it took him less than 5 minutes tells the doctor he’s ready and it’s like a quick procedure cuz the dude just laid there all relaxed.
Checks himself out right away and thanks the doctor for his time. Walks out of the hospital so fast no one had time to ask him if he wants the perfume back. No shame just throughout the ordeal. —RickSt3r
5.
When I was 10, me and a friend were playing see-saw on a large piece of unfinished lumber. We decided it would be fun to jump onto one side from a low-hanging tree limb, which would subsequently launch the other person into outer space.
When it was my turn to be launched, I slipped, and instead of flying off, I got thwapped in the nuts and six inches (of a splinter) up my ass. Worst emergency room visit ever. —genghisKHANNNNN
6.
An X-Ray tech that I knew told me that someone came in with a lot of blood coming out of his behind. He said that he was sledding down a hill and noticed there was a wheelbarrow at the bottom of the hill with the handles facing the uphill. Instead of rolling off the sled, he hiked his legs up over his head and went asshole first onto the wheelbarrow handle.
Poor guy made up a ‘when wheelbarrows attack’ story instead of just admitting whatever he really did…and somehow he was sledding without pants on? —bubsandwoo
7.
My ex-wife worked as an OR nurse and she said that one night this guy came in with a glass sphere paperweight stuck up his butt. He had had it up there for days, so he needed emergency surgery to remove it. The wife requested to have the paperweight returned because it was a family heirloom. —Conrosas
8.
When I was a general surgery resident I’ve taken out a lot of things stuck in people’s rectums. Cucumber, corn on the cob, dildos of course, and Barbie dolls. Only one person just honestly said that he was doing it for pleasure. Everyone else said that they slipped and fell.
Trust me. Nobody believes that you were the one in a million that happened to run through a cornfield and then fall on a corn that then got stuck in your butt. Nobody. —TypeADissection
9.
I’m an OR nurse, and I’ve assisted with removing a lot of things from butts over the years.
The most memorable for me was a guy who had a shaving cream lid stuck (which implies that the whole can was up there at some point). He came with his girlfriend, and apparently his mom showed up to the ER, so as we were rolling him into the OR he pulled me down and said “Listen. Obviously my girlfriend knows what’s going on, but please don’t tell my mom.” —Fromager
10.
Back in medschool I remember a 60 something year old man that showed up with a large cucumber in his rectum. It was so deep he needed to go to the OR to remove it.
He claimed that one of his friends put it there for “medicinal reasons”, and it seemed it was not the first time he had done it. —jmilla360
11.
I’ve heard a lot of these stories working for years in ER. The worst is about a guy that managed to put inside his ass a pretty big FROZEN fish, head first, so that a few hours later the fish defrosted and all the spines started to get stuck and the guy’s rectum and it was impossible to remove it, so he had to get operated on.
Yikes. —indio_bns
12.
Had a strap-on break on us while I was getting pegged. couldn’t get it out. Okay, fine, ER trip with the busted strapon, explain the situation, doc goes ‘thanks for not falling on it’ and gets to work.—tashkiira
13.
I’m a surgeon’s assistant, and I’ve seen a LOT of things stuck up people’s butts.
Typically it’s just dildos honestly.
I’ve seen carrots, cucumber, eggplant, sweet potato
Glass beer bottles
Then there’s the weird sh—t.
Lightbulb. I’ve seen 3. Two broke before they got to us. One came out easy. The broken ones required bowel resection a because of how badly it damaged the bowel.
A buzz light-year action figure, a smaller one. The helmet shield was up… Made for a easier entry I guess. I think someone saw the meme pic.
Drugs, but like… Way too big of a bag to poop back out. That’s usually bad because they wait quite a while before being desperate enough to come in.
Someone put a knife inside of a sheath up his butt. I never knew why.
Someone else put a pizza slice up his butt. Rolled up. It was mashed up, I imagine it wasn’t easy to get in as the crust side, which was facing outward, is dry.
Also… With a few drug mule and sex toy exceptions, these are ALL men. —mrdewtles
14.
I was hooking up with this dude one night and he says he has a brand new vibrating butt plug and wants to know if I want to try it. It’s small so I say yes, because I was trying to see if I liked things being stuck my ass. I ended up kind of liking it and after we were done I proceed to pull it out. I can’t find it.
I start to panic and hope to god it fell out. I feel for around me and underneath me. Nope. It’s f—king stuck in my ass vibrating away. I try to pull it out but I just push it in deeper with my fingers. I’m f—king freaking out and ask him to drive me to the hospital.
I sit in the chair and wait for my turn while it’s still fucking vibrating in me. The doctor finally pulls it out. It was one of the most embarrassing and humiliating times of my life. I learned that bigger is better when it comes to butt plugs. —breezeonbylife
15.
My grandmother once worked in medical records and she told me about a file she read through mentioned a guy who came to the hospital with a tennis ball stuck up his —ss. The guy’s comment on how it got there was he. “… fell on it.” —Weak_Carpenter_7060
16.
FINALLY MY TIME TO SHINE! As a kid first discovering masturbation, I a male decided to try sticking things up my ass. It felt more like a massage and not as enjoyable as people made it out to be. Anyway I decided to try sticking BATTERIES up my ass because ya know, maybe it’s like anal beads.
So there I was in a shower shoving double A’s up my ass like the idiot I was. I did not think of how I would be getting them out. I decided I was done and decided to shit them out, only two of the five came. I’m thinking oh shit(heh) because my family would never let me live it down and many are religious.
I decided I would rather die from internal battery acid before going to a hospital. So there I was in a shower trying to shit batteries like I’m a fucking auto-bot freaking out. After much strain, the last one barely came out. The relief is like nothing else and I will never stick another thing up my ass. —TheOneKMC
17.
“c’mon barbie let’s go party” —cardiokid1957
18.
I once knew a guy who knew someone who accidentally managed to get anal beads wedged up in there and he had no idea how to get them out. So he tried to use tweezers and that ended up getting stuck as well
I should mention he did survive and he said he never wants to put anything up there again —thedudeisalwayshere
19.
Lost a bet, so I had to shove an eggplant in there and hold it in for 30 seconds. Long story short, 30 seconds turned into 9 hours and a bit of surgery. The worst part is, I STILL haven’t gotten back my 20 bucks. —farmerted555
20.
One time I got a bunch of heroin stuck up my ass. This was back before I got sober, I was pretty nervous because of health reasons and because it wasn’t my heroin. I eventually got the heroin out of my ass and two days later I was in rehab. Been sober ever since (5 years). Heroin will make you do weird things, like shove heroin up your asshole. —blitherblather425
21.
I didn’t go because I had something stuck up there, but I ended up with a finger up there. They thought I had appendicitis and for some reason had to put a painkiller tablet up my bum. I was 14 and they rolled me on my side and my mom was sat right there watching me get fingered. It took them a few goes and at one point the doctor (I hope it was a doctor, no one checked) said “I can’t get it up there because you keep tensing” and I said “I keep tensing because I don’t want you getting your finger up there.
Eventually they put it in and I could feel it dissolving and fizzing away. I asked how long it would take for the pain relief to kick in and he said “about the same time as a normal painkiller” so I asked “why didn’t you just give me a normal painkiller then?” and he just shrugged and walked off.
I think he was a doctor, but we really should have checked —kitjen
22.
I went to the ER when my large Njoy butt plug went up my butt. Funny thing was, I was certain it just fell out and I’d find it later, so I proceeded to get absolutely riggity-riggity-wrecked by my date for over an hour. Somehow, they didn’t notice the solid steel butt plug while inside me and the butt plug got pushed way, way up there.
After sex, I decided the butt plug must’ve fallen out somewhere in the fun, so I’d go to sleep and find it the next day.
I woke up around 5a and knew something was very wrong. My partner (we had an open relationship) drove me to the ER. The front desk person nearly spit out their coffee when I casually strolled in and said, “I’m pretty confident there’s a butt plug lost up my anus.” I have no shame about sexy stuff and didn’t see the point in making up some bullshit story.
They took me to some test (ultrasound? X-ray? I can’t remember) to see if the butt plug was up there. The image came back clear as day. Here’s my butt plug.
They put me under and removed it. No issues.
I retrieved that butt plug from pathology a week or two later (Njoy plugs are not cheap) and plan to shadowbox the retired butt plug with my x-ray photo. I now only use the XL Njoy butt plug.
All in all, a good time. Would do again. —ThrowawayStowaway124