Gwenhwyfar Frazier
Unfortunately, many women (and non-binary folks) have learned firsthand what behaviors might indicate that a man poses a threat to their safety or well-being. These lessons are often imparted early in life—from a parent, family member, or even from a high-school boyfriend or teacher, or another community member. So, recently, when Redditor u/Future_Line_4253 asked,
What are the big signs that a man is dangerous to be around, in your opinion?
many women shared insightful responses, with lots of overlap between their experiences and answers. One of the main threads connecting most, if not all, of the answers, was: someone who does not observe or respect your boundaries can be very dangerous. But, as this compilation reveals, disregarding and trying to undermine an intimate partner (or anyone)’s boundaries can manifest in many forms, including:
1. A raging temper he “can’t” (read: won’t) control
“Gets angry/loses his temper easily. Prone to yelling.”
—drunkenknitter
2. Rape jokes
“My ex laughed about rape jokes. I was so scared.”
—East-Ranger-2902
3. Dramatically over-apologizing for small things, to provoke embarrassment, guilt, or forgiveness from the wronged party
“If they dramatically over-apologize when you point out something small that you don’t appreciate.
‘I’m SO sorry I ate your leftovers, I’m the WORST boyfriend ever, the scum of the earth, you should just break up with me because I’m clearly worthless.’
It’s a manipulation tactic that, over time, makes you hesitant to set boundaries or point out bad behavior in the future so you’re always walking on eggshells.”
—OpinionatedNonsense
4. Manipulation tactics, in general
“This is literally my ex… all of that is manipulative af, especially telling someone what they should feel. I would try to end it but he’d say we should stay together because we’re so compatible.”
—bubbly_belle
5. Joking or laughing about domestic violence/intimate partner violence/other forms of violence against women
“…talking about women like we’re objects/exist to be looked at, joking or laughing about violence against women/sexual assault”
—998757748
6. Using gendered slurs
“This! My boyfriends friend used to refer to me and other women as the c-word and I have told him countless times why he shouldn’t use that word. It almost took me slapping him to get him to shut up. They also talk about women like they’re objects, it’s disgusting. Luckily my boyfriend isn’t like this (at least not when I’m around) but if he was it would be a huge no no.”
—imakeonionscryy
7. If other women reach out to warn you
“When other women feel the need to reach out to you about being careful around him.”
—EmilyGram12
8. Referring to women as “females” (it’s an adjective, not a noun, people!)
“Calling women females. We’re not dogs, and labeling us the same way you’d label animals in regular conversation makes me feel like you don’t see us on the same level of respect as men.
Edit: I don’t want to explain the same thing over and over so please look through the comments before commenting. I mean this when it’s used in context, I do not mean it’s underhanded when saying ‘my female friend.’ I mean when men, and some women, use it like ‘I can’t be around females like her.’ or ‘oh you’re that type of female, I like it’ when directly addressing you or when it doesn’t make sense in proper grammar.”
—makpat
9. He’s coercive
“If they display ANY signs of coercive control https://www.raq.org.au/blog/what-coercive-control“
—ThatPandaLady
10. Disproportionate anger over small things
“He gets disproportionately angry about small things. If he rages and yells because someone cut him off in traffic or because the drive though got his order wrong, what’s his reaction going to be when you accidentally piss him off?”
—GlitteringInside2
“It’s not just about repercussions when you’re the one pissing him off, it’s about having to sit quiet while he gets disproportionately angry and feel really uncomfortable or even scared or ashamed of his words or actions, and not being able to do anything without the anger being turned to you. Or being called names/looked down on for not agreeing with the anger. And then you start thinking like him, cause it’s easier than thinking and voicing your own thoughts.”
—isitpermanent
11. Cruelty to animals
“I didn’t know it at the time, but a high school friend used to trap and torture animals, like squirrels, chipmunks, birds, etc. He was sentenced to 75 years to life in prison much later for holding his child’s mother hostage, and violently raping and attacking her. My friend, who grew up with him, told me about the animals after he was convicted.”
—BxGyrl416
12. Downplays your achievements or speaks negatively about things that he knows bring you happiness or enjoyment
“Downplays things you’re excited about and/or your achievements. Like yeah, maybe it’s ‘just’ a new book by your favorite author but you’re allowed to be happy and excited about such things without someone pissing on your parade. Them downplaying your achievements just screams insecurity on their part.”
—haelesor
13. He talks about ways in which your body or appearance could be “better,” or more to his liking
“Wanting to change the way I do my hair and nails and mentioning how he’s gonna put more meat on my bones”
—KiKiPAWG
14. Behaves as though his job, schedule, family, friends, desires, hobbies, etc., are more important than yours
“Assumes his schedule, job, homelife, friends, time off, attitude, etc. is more important/urgent than yours.
You understand, right?”
—CampingWithCats
15. Flies into a rage when you don’t immediately answer text messages
“Also sends a lot of messages and expecting prompt responses. Not because they are thinking about you as much as they want you to think about them (all the time). Controlling and possessive.”
—Anxiety_Cookie
16. He disrespects your right to privacy
“Aside from the obvious, lack of respect of privacy is a huge indicator. I dated someone briefly recently who barged in on me while I was getting dressed after having a bath while at their house all because I didn’t reply to their text from the next room. I can’t tell you how sick and uneasy that makes me feel retrospectively.”
—tdog666
17. He’s enthused about how small and/or young you look compared to him
“Is obsessed with/makes a lot of comments about how small i am and how young i look. Ive had guys ask me out because of how young i look.”
—LittleRedCarnation
18. Punching walls, damaging inanimate objects
“Punching walls, damaging inanimate objects.”
—honcho713
19. Ranting to the extreme about what an amazing feminist he is
“In my experience, any kind of men who are really adamant about being feminist, they respect women, act kind of like, ‘we men should be forever apologizing to women’ and, I repeat, are always emphasizing how much they respect women. Probably he doesn’t really respect women when they say no to him.”
—pitter_patterclock
20. Tells you unsolicited that he’d never harm you, or any woman
“They say something like ‘don’t worry, it’s not like I’m going to rape you,’ and then proceeded to try to get me in the back of their truck to go to a friend’s basement.
Other variations ‘I’m not going to hurt you,’ ‘it’s not like I have an axe to murder you,’ the casual nature bringing up that they could hurt me but are being courteous by not chosing to be violent is just so weird.
—HikingPeach47
“He says ‘I’d never hit a woman.’
The fact that you’re mentioning it makes me think you’ve thought of it.”
—sweadle